The Art of Coaching Read online

6.A. I want to be much more systematic about gathering data on my coaching. I want to record a conversation at least twice a month—this is something I haven't done consistently enough. I want to record those that I don't plan for, so I can see how I'm internalizing coaching conversation approaches. I also want to bring transcripts of these conversations to our coaching team meetings and have other coaches give me feedback.

  Part Three

  The Coaching Dance

  Chapter 8

  Listening and Questioning

  Read this when:

  You want to hone your listening skills

  You want to refine your questioning skills

  You are supporting others to develop their listening and questioning skills

  The Three Movements in the Coaching Dance

  Imagine that coaching is a dance with three movements. In the first step a coach listens, a subtly complex skill. At some point a coach takes a step and responds to what she's heard—primarily with questions to promote deeper learning and reflection. In the third step, the coach might suggest an action or learning activity for the client to do alongside the coach or alone.

  While there are three basic moves in this dance, the choreography is flexible and improvised. The coach often takes the lead, as she holds the expertise around the adult learning process, but if, or when, the coachee suggests a new direction, the coach eagerly follows. The order of the steps will also change with each client and in different phases in coaching. However, the basic movements—listen, respond, engage in activity—have elements that can be delineated and intentionally applied. The art of coaching is the ability to apply a tremendous range of skills in response to a particular situation in a way that appears seamless, effortless, and, at times, even beautiful.

  Listening is a magnetic and strange thing, a creative force. The friends who listen to us are the ones we move toward. When we are listened to, it creates us, makes us unfold and expand.

  Dr. Karl Menninger (1942, pp. 275–276)

  This chapter explores the first step in this coaching dance, a hard but foundational skill to learn: listening. Author and coach Lettecia Kratz explains it this way: “Deep listening is essential in transformational coaching, because only when we are getting an understanding of the whole of it can we cause a major transformational shift. If a coach listens only at a surface level, she can assist only in shifting smaller, surface-level things. The deeper we listen, the broader our understanding, and the greater our chances are for finding an access point to cause profound transformation” (personal e-mail communication with Lettecia Kratz, 2012).

  Listening in Transformational Coaching

  Take a moment to reflect on listening. When was the last time you felt really, truly listened to? Who was listening to you? How did you know you were being listened to? What did it feel like? What did this allow you to think and feel and do?

  Now think about a time when you were sharing something and were not listened to. What was that like? What was the effect on the relationship?

  And now, take a moment to reflect on how you listen to others. Do you listen in order to find a connection and be able to share some information about yourself? Do you listen in order to find a point with which you can argue? When you listen, do you notice yourself feeling judgmental about what the other person shares? Do you listen to offer suggestions for fixing a problem? Do you find your attention wandering or drifting toward other ideas? Of course, we all do this at times. Listening is a skill; you can train yourself to do this, and you will get better with practice. Deep listening is hard to do. At first, it can feel very strange, uncomfortably empty and quiet, unlike anything you've ever experienced. But it is the most effective tool you'll use in coaching. When you are listening deeply, you stop thinking—your own mental chatter is quiet. When you are listening very deeply to another person, your own thoughts and concerns quiet down and your ego naps in a corner of your mind. This creates a tremendous space for your client to explore her own issues. You can support and guide that exploration through the questions you ask. Once you've created a clear, safe, nonjudgmental field, there is plenty of space for clients to wander around their own mind, exploring their beliefs, their blocks, and their goals and how to fulfill them.

  How can we learn to listen well? We can start by noticing our own listening. Listen to your listening—what's going on in your mind? Try this activity: listen to a friend, colleague, family member, or client while you listen to your own listening—pay attention to what is happening in your own mind in your own listening. Then go and write down what you heard your own mind saying.

  Here's what I heard in my mind some years ago during a coaching conversation:

  She's really going to complain about that again? I thought we'd discussed this and come to some agreements and now she's back here? How can we ever make progress on the real work if she's always going back to this whining and complaining about something she can't do anything about?

  Becoming aware of what your mind is doing when you're supposed to be listening is very useful, because then you can make a choice about what you will do. My mind used to lapse into this judgmental place a great deal. I was not a very effective or artful coach. But once I started to notice this chatter, I began to make a change. I'd ask myself to stop. I'd remind myself that I couldn't be a good coach and couldn't transform education from a place of judgment. I'd say to myself, “Please put the judgments aside while I'm sitting here talking to this person.” Sometimes I'd yell at myself—in my own head, of course, or I'd visualize going into my mind and hitting the mute button. By persistently returning my focus away from myself, back to the client, to what she is saying, what she is experiencing, I can create a space for transformation. After a while, I noticed that I didn't have that soundtrack playing in the background when I was listening. This took practice—and it took time. It was hard, and I still have relapses. But it is something that as a coach we can do and we need to do.

  After you've paid attention to your mental chatter while you're listening, notice what happens when someone you are speaking with stops speaking. Are you inclined to jump in right away and ask a question or say something? Just as teachers need to provide several seconds of “wait time” with students after posing a question, a coach can also practice wait time. After the person you are speaking with stops, wait a few seconds. You can nod, smile, indicate nonverbally that you're present and alive, but don't say anything. If you need to jot down a note or two so that you are not distracted by trying to remember what the client said, jot it down. This frees up your mind to continue listening to the other things the client needs to share. You'll be surprised at how often the other person will continue talking without a prompt. This is good—it's usually good for your client to speak a lot. They will often reveal juicier, more important information when they are assured that you are listening to them and honoring their experience.

  After you have deeply listened, allow yourself a few moments to formulate what you are going to say. If need be, you can even say something like “OK, let me think for a moment,” so that the response that comes out of your mouth will be the best you can offer in that moment.

  Quiet Listening

  When I feel really listened to, it seems like time slows down. There's a stillness and quietness that I perceive from the person who has created a protected space for me. I don't feel that he brings an agenda, is bursting to share something with me, or needs anything from me. I feel drawn in and empowered to explore my own thoughts, feelings, and experiences. When I am really listened to, I feel acknowledged, recognized, and validated on a fundamental level. This can actually be a transcendent experience. In that space, when someone listens to me deeply, I find that my most brilliant insights and solutions appear to me and then come out of my mouth because when someone deeply listens, I can better understand myself.

  Sometimes as a coach, it's very effective to hold a space like the one I just described—a wide-open invitation for clients to explore th
eir thinking. We listen so that people can unravel what's going on for them. Often all they need is a place to start. We listen from the point of view that people don't need answers, advice, or wisdom. They can do their own thinking, discover solutions, and figure out their next steps. It demonstrates respect when we listen to someone from this space, believing they will come to their own understanding, and that my own understanding is not necessarily better than theirs. This is a quiet place for a coach to work from—with our bodies, minds, and energy we communicate that a client can enter the exploration and we'll be there if necessary. We may occasionally ask a probing question, but in this kind of listening we don't say much. Listening in this way can be very useful if a client is processing difficult emotions or sorting through something that happened. It can also be very useful when someone is trying to articulate a new idea, a path forward, or a possibility that other people have not been able to hear without skepticism or shutting the person down. Many people relish this kind of space to speak and be heard, and the results can be very productive.

  When we as coaches hold this kind of a listening space, we don't share our opinions, experiences, or feelings. We don't give advice or suggestions. We never interrupt. Furthermore, a coach refrains from asking a lot of questions, particularly clarifying questions. A clarifying question is usually a request for information for our own needs—so that we can get clear on details. We might ask questions to support the client in digging deeper into his thoughts, but these are carefully selected. It can be more effective to simply ask, “Can you say more about that?” Often this invitation is all that people need to keep exploring.

  Silence is essential for deep transformation … like still water that reflects things as they are, the calming silence helps us to see things more clearly, and therefore, to be in deeper contact with ourselves and those around us.

  Thich Nhat Hanh (2011)

  At times someone might start speaking and diving deep into his thoughts or feelings, but then suddenly just stop. It can be powerful to sit in silence for a few moments—while it might feel uncomfortable, it extends another invitation for the client to keep speaking. Frequently, the speaker will pick up again and continue talking, going far deeper into his thinking. As coaches, we welcome and hold quiet pauses.

  Intentional Listening

  When a coach listens deeply, her mind is not blank and vacuous. She listens for what the client is saying as well as assumptions, interpretations, and underlying beliefs. For example, a teacher might say, “My principal came into my room when I was teaching. He looked around, scowled, and left without saying anything. I know he's trying to get rid of me.” A coach could form an opinion like “She's paranoid” or could think something like “I hear an assumption and interpretation to explore. I'm going to note that comment and come back to it.”

  We also listen for what is not said: for what lurks below the surface—feelings, thoughts and beliefs, and for the gaps in a story. A client might withhold something not because he doesn't trust the coach, but because he's not aware of these holes. When we listen deeply, closely, and over a period of time, those holes become glaring. Frequently, they are areas or concerns that as coaches, because of our experience working in schools, we know others in similar situations often have. When we address them, clients can experience great relief, perhaps even a breakthrough.

  Courage is what it takes to stand up and speak; courage is also what it takes to sit down and listen.

  Winston Churchill (n.d.)

  In order to help a client change beliefs and behaviors, a coach must listen carefully to understand the client's patterns of thinking. In order for this to happen, we need to let people talk and talk and talk. Initially, this experience can feel overwhelming, but if we just sit back, empty our minds, and let it all in, there will come a time when we start to notice the patterns, hear the unintentional meanings behind words, see the distortions, and, most important, understand where our client is on his learning trajectory and where he is emotionally. We cannot be effective as coaches if we don't have a clear picture of this terrain. A coach's action and speech should emerge after a period of stillness and silence.

  Collecting Stories

  Another way of thinking about how we listen, starting from the very beginning, is to remember that we are collecting stories. A coach gathers a client's stories, mentally filing away chapter after chapter every time we meet. Our clients speak in narratives, they will tell the stories of their struggles and successes, interspersed with stories of who they are and where they are from. We collect these stories, including seemingly irrelevant anecdotes or comments, and we store them in our mental archive.

  Everything is held together with stories. That is all that is holding us together, stories and compassion.

  Barry Lopez (Evans, 1994)

  After a while, we will notice patterns running through the narratives; we'll see clues to who someone is and why they do what they do. Our role as a coach then becomes to help a client connect the dots—to see the themes in what they have shared with us. This can sound like “A few months ago you talked about how you have a hard time managing teachers who are older than you. Could that be why you're apprehensive about giving this teacher difficult feedback?” When we return to these stories, our clients feel heard and validated. They also have the option of looking at these connections as a “data set” and an opportunity to begin shifting their thinking or behaviors.

  What Does Listening Look Like, Feel Like, and Sound Like?

  Next time you are in conversation with someone, pay attention to your own listening: What is the chatter in your mind saying? Mine often sounds like this: “Oh, that's a good point … I agree with that … When that happened to me … Why did you say that? I never would have said that … OK, that makes sense …”

  When we are listening deeply, it is like we have joined the coachee in her own world, and are sitting next to her, listening from her perspective. We understand or “get” what it is like for her, where she is coming from. We might say: “I hear that … That sounds really hard … I'm sorry you experienced that … Do you want to say more about that?” At some point we'll begin to ask more questions to push the coachee's thinking, but broad, open-ended listening often comes first—this builds the client's trust, ensures that we're hearing and understanding what our client is saying, and helps us identify the questions we might ask to provoke deeper reflection.

  Active listening is a strategy for a speaker to convey that she's listening, and also to ensure that she's hearing precisely what the other person wants to share. We can repeat back or paraphrase what the other person says. It can sound like this:

  In other words …

  What I'm hearing then …

  It sounds like you are saying … Is that correct? Did I miss anything?

  I'm hearing many things …

  As I listen to you, I'm hearing …

  Although it can feel awkward at first to paraphrase, it is a surprisingly effective way to build trust with a client and demonstrate your intention to listen deeply.

  How can we show that we're listening? Recall a time when you were sharing something personal and you felt that the other person was not listening to you. What did you notice? Often the clues are subtle, but when we're taking a risk by sharing something important, we are supremely attuned to the other person's every movement. We will notice a glance at a clock, a comment that feels slightly disconnected, a question about something that we already shared, squirmy feet, or a stifled yawn. A coach must be mindful about how her body and words demonstrate attention by maintaining eye contact and inclining slightly toward the listener or mirroring his posture. Start paying attention to what your body does when you are engaged in conversation or listening—you might be unconsciously moving or positioning yourself in a way that communicates an emotion or judgment that you were unaware of.

  Refining Our Listening

  When you are listening to somebody, completely, attentively, then you are
listening not only to the words, but also to the feeling of what is being conveyed, to the whole of it, not part of it.

  J. Krishnamurti (1969)

  Chapter Fifteen offers suggestions for how to improve our listening as coaches and how to be fully in the present moment. My favorite activity is one that everyone can start practicing right away (it's also one that I frequently ask clients to engage in). It's called listening to your own listening. Listening is a practice; we all have wandering, disagreeable minds at times. The first step is to notice what's going on in there while we're coaching.

  A Story about Listening to Silences

  James was an experienced African American high school principal whom I was assigned to coach. For the first semester, his attention focused on improving instruction, but he became increasingly distressed by data showing that a disproportionate number of African American males were sent out to the office for “defiant” behavior. When I asked James if he wanted to find a way to share these data with his staff and explore some ways to address it, he seemed reluctant and wanted to continue focusing on instruction. However, when he did walkthrough observations, his feedback to teachers addressed how they interacted with students. Teachers pushed back: “I thought you said you were coming in to observe how I'm teaching vocabulary,” they responded. “This feedback is not fair.”

  “How do they think they're going to teach vocabulary if they keep throwing kids out?” James said to me in a coaching session. “And that lesson was horrible. It was too slow and confusing and there were no opportunities for students to apply their knowledge.” Together we had just visited a classroom where three African American sixteen-year-old boys were in the “reflection corner” with their heads down for the twenty minutes we were there. James had a long list of negative comments about the lesson we'd observed; he planned on delivering another professional development session for teachers on vocabulary instruction. He spoke at length about the teachers' poor application of the professional development (PD) they'd already received, about how their lesson plans were weak, and about how he wanted to hire an entire new faculty.