The Art of Coaching Page 12

  While you might have a list of questions to ask (such as those in Exhibit 5.1), you also need to respond to what you hear your client saying. If you are able to ask a few questions that give your client a glimpse of your capacity as a coach, you will gain ground in building trust. Even those who are suspicious of coaching often suspect that probing questions might be helpful. They yearn for a question that will give them new insight or offer a new perspective. Try to ask one of these if you can.

  Connect

  As you start getting to know a new coachee, try to uncover personal connections. I go into a first meeting like a ravenous animal on the hunt, my eyes scanning the office or classroom for a family photo, a postcard, a certificate, or anything that I might be able to connect with. I also try to surface connections through the questions I ask. General questions—such as: How was your summer (or vacation or weekend)? Where did you grow up? and How long have you been teaching?—can open doors. You can also try the specific questions in Exhibit 5.1.

  I intentionally look for connections for a couple of reasons. First, sometimes they allow me to share a snippet of personal information (“I have a toddler too”), which helps personalize me for my client—they need this too, but I only share tiny tidbits of personal information. Second, the personal details I learn help me care more about my client; they help me see beyond the teacher or principal label, and then my heart opens and my compassion expands.

  This coaching strategy was critical with Susan, a central office administrator. My manager told me, “She's old school, has very little background as an instructional leader, and she's going to be intimidated by your experience, but she does want coaching.” Knowing this, I wondered if during our first conversation I could find a way to elicit Susan's knowledge and skills. As I sat down in her office the first time we met, I noticed a number of prominently displayed photos of a young man who I guessed was her son. He looked to be of a similar multiracial mix to my own child, who had just started kindergarten that week. Susan was more than eager to talk about her son, and we spent two hours discussing our children, the challenges of raising boys of color in Oakland, and the difficult decisions that mothers must make. I asked questions, asked for advice, and shared my fears about my boy entering public school. As I left her office, she hugged me and said, “Next time we'll talk business, but sometimes it's good to just get to know someone before you start working with them.”

  This was what Susan needed in that first meeting—to have her expertise authentically recognized and appreciated and to see me as a learner as well. The connection we made also informed my coaching moves as we worked together that year. As challenges arose, I recalled the bigger picture of Susan and her strength as a mother, and I was able to help her transfer that knowledge and strength to her role as an administrator.

  Validate

  A transformational coach is a master at uncovering a client's assets. It is almost as if we wear glasses that make a person's strengths pop out in Technicolor while everything else fades into shades of gray. These glasses are an essential accessory for first meetings with a client. Remember that most clients feel vulnerable as they begin coaching—after all, coaching is a way to improve, grow, change, or transform. Put on those glasses and share your observations.

  Validating another's experiences is powerful. A simple and sincere, “Wow. That sounds really hard,” or “Congratulations! That's great!” communicates validation. A key rule for praise is to be specific and acknowledge the action. For example, “I hear that in the last week you moved across country, set up your house, got your kids into a new school, and started this teaching job, and you still seem energetic! That's amazing!”

  Sadly, people who work in schools are rarely validated for what they do. Think back to your time in the classroom. How often did you feel appreciated or recognized for the multitude of things that you did every day? Just echoing what you've heard and observed a client doing can build trust. It shows that you listen carefully and recognize the struggles and triumphs of the profession.

  As with everything else you say, your validation and praise must be completely sincere. Don't compliment something that you don't truly appreciate; your client will pick up on that inauthenticity and trust will plummet. But also, don't overpraise—that's not what you're there to do. Your role as a coach is not necessarily to praise, but to hold a mirror up to your client and help him see his strengths reflecting back. In the beginning, he may not see them—that's why you'll call them out. Eventually, you need to be able to walk away and let the client hold up the mirror himself.

  Be Open about Who You Are and What You Do

  Most teachers and principals I've coached have been less interested in who I am and what I've done than in why I do what I do. I offer a very basic professional-biographical sketch and then ask, “Is there anything else you'd like to know about me?” Usually they aren't interested in me, which is helpful, as we want to keep the focus on them.

  Proactively demonstrating an awareness about the role that your gender, ethnicity, or cultural background might play in a particular coaching situation can be a way of developing trust with a client. Thoughtfully naming the differences between you and your client can reflect your awareness of these dynamics. When I was assigned to coach an older African American male principal in a community that was 100 percent African American, I raised this point in an early conversation. I asked, “I'm wondering how you feel about working with me, given the differences in our age, gender, and ethnicity. What comes up for you?” We had an honest conversation that helped me understand this principal much better, and he expressed appreciation that I'd named the differences and initiated a discussion.

  What I never do with clients when I'm raising gender, race, and other background differences is make assumptions that my own knowledge or experience is directly transferable to their situation. I don't say, “My best friend is also a _____,” or “I'm married to a ____.” My job is to get to know the person standing in front of me, to understand what it's like to be him in the context he is in. I don't want to suggest that I know things because of my prior experiences.

  What new clients do wonder about is why I'm doing what I'm doing. Even if they've willingly engaged in coaching, there's always a bit of curiosity around this practice. Some have asked, “What's your agenda?” I address these concerns by sharing my coaching vision, what I believe coaching is and can do, and what my agenda is (see Chapter Three).

  Here's an example of what I've said:

  I know you don't really want to work with a coach, and I appreciate your honesty in sharing that. I hear that you've been working really hard to turn your school around and that you feel misunderstood by your supervisor. I want to repeat that everything we talk about is confidential. I know that you've been put on an improvement plan, but I'm here to support you in anything you want to work on, in whatever area you'd like support in. I'm not attached to that plan, it's not my agenda—my agenda is to help you help your school and community. Can we talk about what that might look like for you?

  If I do have an agenda—if I've been asked to address something specific—then I state that:

  I'm here to support you in using this classroom management plan. I know you asked for some help as a first-year teacher, and I know that if we focus on a few areas you'll make progress quickly. I'm not evaluating you in any way, however, and I don't share our work with your principal. How does that sound?

  Ask for Permission to Coach

  Frequently asking for permission to coach can build and increase a client's trust. Our job as a transformational coach is to help someone explore her behavior, beliefs, and being. Even after a client is enrolled, we need to remember that sometimes it can be tiring to have someone gently nudging you to reflect and grow. If we frequently and explicitly ask for permission to coach, we remind the client that she is in control of the process and can put the brakes on whenever she needs to.

  The following questions are ways to ask for permiss
ion:

  I'm wondering if you'd mind sharing some of the challenges you're dealing with?

  Would it be OK if I came to your staff meeting? It might help our work if I could observe the dynamics between teachers.

  Next time we meet, would it be OK to look at some student work?

  I hear that you're really frustrated with your assistant principal. Would you like some coaching on that issue?

  What role would you like me to play at the meeting?

  I'm noticing that you seem upset by my last question. Can we check in on what's coming up for you?

  By asking for permission, a coach demonstrates her respect and knowledge of adult learning and emotional intelligence. When we demonstrate our professional competency, a client's trust increases. We can damage our client's trust when we don't have permission and we push too hard. As a coaching relationship deepens and develops, we want to be careful not to overstep trust levels in this area.

  Keep Commitments

  It can be very tempting early in a relationship with a coachee to make too many promises. Sure, you say, I'll meet for a 7:00 a.m. planning session, then gather materials, do a demonstration lesson, give feedback on a dozen unit plans, make copies, and make calls all by the end of tomorrow. Not only will it be hard to keep this up, but some of these tasks are not really your job.

  Clients who are apprehensive about coaching often ask for a coach to prepare or provide tangible things (books, materials, lessons, and the like), perhaps unconsciously testing your trustworthiness and credibility. They explore boundaries—how much can they ask you for? What are you really willing to do for them? While these feelings are understandable, a coach needs to be careful that she doesn't accept too many requests, especially the kind along the margins of what a coach's role should be (such as making copies and making phone calls). Doing those things for people does not change their practice. In addition, when they ask a coach to undertake tasks such as these, some clients feel they are making good use of the coach, but this is actually a way to keep the coach at a distance.

  At the same time, gathering materials, curriculum, assessments, and so on can be a way for a coach to demonstrate her usefulness. We often have piles of resources at our fingertips and are eager to share. When we volunteer to be the note taker at a meeting, our value is apparent. However, we have to be careful not to take on too much and end up unable to meet our commitments. It is extremely important that we fulfill the promises we make. It's much better to underpromise and overdeliver than the reverse.

  One way to ensure that you can meet your commitments is by writing up a formal agreement with your client. It's always helpful to put things in writing. See Exhibit 5.3 at the end of the chapter for a sample.

  Assessing Levels of Trust

  At this stage of the coaching cycle, your goal is to gain your client's trust, a quality that is hard to measure. Over the course of your work together, your client's trust may fluctuate. So how can you know if your client trusts you?

  One of the first steps in a coaching relationship is to engage your client in developing a work plan (see Chapter Seven). While this document does not necessarily reflect the presence of deep trust, it does reflect a client's willingness to proceed with coaching. It's a solid indicator of trust developing.

  Trust is also reflected in what a client says—how open and vulnerable he is and what kind of support he asks for. For example, being observed teaching and leading a staff meeting are far riskier activities than sitting with you alone in an office. Pay attention to your client's nonverbal communication as well: Are his arms crossed over his chest? Are his shoulders pulled up toward his ears? Other nonverbal indicators of a person's emotional state include sighs, long exhales, changes in volume or tone of speech, leaning forward into the conversation, reclining backwards, and fluctuations in eye contact. Notice how your client holds his body, how much and at what points he moves, shifts weight, fidgets, checks his phone, and so on. Hone your observation skills as you get to know a client and then pay attention to changes.

  When you notice changes in body language—perhaps a big sigh or the dropping of shoulders, try to identify what led to those changes. What did you say? What did he say? Sometimes you can ask, “I'm noticing that your face suddenly looks more relaxed. Are you feeling better about the situation? What allowed that shift to happen?”

  If you notice changes that might indicate emotional distress (sudden stiffening of the body or abrupt, one-word responses to questions, for example) it can be useful to voice what you noticed and ask if the client would like to share what's going on. Sometimes just saying, “I noticed that after I asked you that question you crossed your arms and leaned away from me. Can I ask what feelings were coming up for you?”

  There are many ways that we can damage a client's trust. Because the people we coach are engaged in their own learning and exploration of behavior, beliefs, and being, the coaching session can be a very vulnerable experience. Their trust can be diminished when we don't listen well, when we don't validate their growth, when we don't show enough compassion, when we don't ask for permission to coach, when we push them in directions they're not ready to go, if we speak to their supervisor without honoring the agreements we made, and so on. A coach needs to develop a keen awareness of her client's emotions and notice all fluctuations. Then she needs to learn the language and gain the confidence to address them. She also needs to take responsibility for her actions and be accepting of anything the client expresses. It can be hard to hear someone say, “I just feel like you weren't really listening to how hard it is to do this job and you keep pushing me to do more.” A coach who thanks a client for his honesty and reflects on this feedback will be more likely to repair the damaged trust.

  A coach who can accurately assess a client's levels of trust has strong emotional intelligence and intuition. These are skills that we can develop. The questions listed in Exhibit 5.1 can yield insights into what's going on with a client. A coach can also develop his intuition by engaging in some of the practices suggested in Chapter Fifteen to remain grounded and present.

  Common Challenges and Helpful Responses

  Challenge: My client seems to really distrust me. I don't know what I've done, but she always seems standoffish and keeps our conversations on a superficial level.

  Lens of Inquiry. It sounds like this client has come to you with some “active negative expectation.” There's a potential for a big breakthrough here, which could happen immediately or over time, or this client might not be coachable. Applying the lens of inquiry might open up some conversations.

  Distrust is usually a suspicion of integrity and motives, which can come from previous experiences or a lack of knowledge and information about who someone is and what she does. Does your coachee have a good understanding of what you do? Have you shared your vision for coaching and described your role? Is there someone else with whom you've worked who might be willing to speak with this reluctant client about your work?

  Ask the client about previous experiences with coaches or what she's heard about coaching, as she may have heard false information. In addition, ask general questions about what kind of professional development she's experienced, what she's found helpful, how she learns best, and so on.

  Finally, your client might be bringing her own fear and experiences of betrayal to your relationship. If others have seriously violated her trust or lied to her, then your chances of enrolling her in coaching might be slim. This is not necessarily something you need to explore; it's just worth remembering that sometimes when someone doesn't seem to trust us, it has nothing to do with us at all. Don't take it personally.

  Challenge: I'm coaching a teacher, and her principal is constantly asking me about our work. She wants to know if the teacher is improving, if we've addressed this or that yet, if I've seen the teacher shouting at students, etc. When I started working at this school, I spoke with the principal about our confidentiality agreements, but she doesn't seem to remember t
hem.

  Lens of Adult Learning. The principal is on her own learning trajectory as far as understanding what coaching is, what conditions are necessary for it to be effective, and how she can best support her teachers and students. It can help to think of the principal as an unofficial client.

  Start by printing out and reviewing the confidentiality agreement and your coaching logs. Within this conversation, be explicit about why these formalities are in place—why coaching must be a protected learning space. You can also shift the conversation into the principal's role—how is she working on changing her teacher's practice? Help her see that your role is professional developer; her role is professional developer and evaluator. You cannot play any role in evaluation. You might also suggest that the principal have some conversations with the teacher about the growth that she's been making in coaching, and that the principal observe her and gather her own data on the teacher's progress.

  Finally, just smile and repeat, as many times as necessary, “I can't share that information with you. I'm sorry, but as a coach, I can't share that. I can share the information that's in our coaching log, and that's all. Thank you for understanding.”

  “The Thin Cord of Trust”

  Rafael Echeverría and Julio Olalla, experts in the field of coaching, offer provocative words on trust:

  Trust will always be at stake during the process of coaching. Trust can increase and become more solid, and it can be taken away. It can be initially gained, then lost and afterwards recovered. Or it can be lost for good. The coach always moves along the thin cord of the coachee's trust. To take for granted the coachee's trust is one of the big mistakes a coach can make. (1993)